At the end of my last update from my job as manager of Thornhill F.C. I was struggling to find a new right back to cover for my injured youngster known as Nick Jackson. Unfortunately I failed to sign anyone before my next friendly, away to Hemel Hempstead. I don’t know what a team of the majesty of Thornhill F.C. is doing visiting this slum in a pre-season friendly, but what I do know is that my team can’t play football for shit.

We lost 8-0 and what was more shocking was the fact that none of my players got a rating over 5. Bear in mind the average rating for a player is 6. My personal creation Evo got a rating of 5 as did my 15 year old centre back Ricky Clark.

My first attempt at solving the current club crisis was to alter the tactics, obviously the team aren’t good enough to play to my adventurous 4-1-2-1-2 formation that Steve McLaren should have used if he wanted England to qualify for that competition that failed to qualify for. Anway I fear that my fancy formation is a bit too much for these lads who know nothing about life in the real world what with them all being 16 or younger. Surely this is akin to being thrown down the pits, they may get better paid at my club but soon enough the fans are going to be trying kill them for their crap performances.

Anyway I decide that reverting to a plain and simple 4-4-2 may better suit the players, I am already starting to think that I will be lucky to survive the first month as manager of Thornhill F.C. With another three friendlies before the season proper starts I will have to hope that I can sign some decent enough players to give us a fighting chance of staying in this league.

Before the disaster that was Hemel Hempstead I scoured the market for any free agents. I came accross a Richard Smith, an 18 year old from Scotland I get the impression he is a relative of Agent Smith from the Matrix movies. He is earning £25 a week and probably is no better than my current crop of players. Well at least he is another player to throw to the fans before they can get to me. I also sign an ex-Liverpool trainee and someone who used to be a youth player for Mansfield. I really don’t expect any good to come from these new signings. At least they are over 16 though, and hell one of them was 18! He can join me and the coaches for a few drinks after the matches. I get the feeling he will be needing a few to keep the will to live.

My next match is against Bedford, with my flat 4-4-2 and a team selected by the AssMan I am hoping for a slightly better match than the last one. Evo is my star striker and the new signings have slotted into position.

I go 3-0 down after only 17 minutes, somehow we claw our way back to earn a 5-1 defeat. We got a goal courtesy of Lee Westwood my new signing who used to be a Liverpool player. There were some decent performances, though Evo disappointed with a rating of only 5 for the game. I am starting to think that my star man needs some other star players to have any hope of getting anywhere for my team.

Looking at the wider world Arsenal have signed Adrian Mutu while Shaun Wright-Phillips has gone back to Man City in a move which is exactly the same as what happened this summer. I am disappointed to see that neither Cardiff City nor Manchester United have made any new signings.

5000-1

The odds for the new season of the Blue Square South division have come in thanks to a bunch of random bookies. Havant and Waterloo are joint favourites with Braintree to win promotion from the division, meanwhile I have been given odds of 5000-1. What can I say, in an imaginery press conference following the revelation of the bookies prices I make a comment.

“Gentlemen and your dogs, here today at the Pen Dragon (a local pub) I am a tad disappointed to reveal that the bookies have priced us at 5000-1 for promotion. Seeing as we bribed every official in the country and signed a bunch of spotty youngsters from the local area I think these are pretty good odds. At least we aren’t being priced at 10,000-1.”

I was promptly kicked out of the pub by angry supporters who clearly feel that they have thrown away a couple hundred quid on a season ticket at Thornhill Park. The pre-season games come to an end with a two goal defeat to League 2 side Macclesfield at home. Everyone played much better, for those who were old enough I treated them to a beer at the local, the youngsters made do with orange juice.

Tags: Football Manager 2008, It Gets Worse, Thornhill F.C.

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